Emotional abuse is not easy to see because it doesn’t leave broken bones or scars. The damage is deep and long-lasting, but not visible. 

 

It feels isolating because the people you confide in will likely not understand unless they have walked through the pain themselves. 

 

Emotional abuse is really hard to explain.

 

When I was a child, I went to my dad’s house against my own will. I would explain to therapists and social workers the deep pain I felt when I went there. 

 

It felt like they thought I was speaking another language. 

 

One therapist told me I was a “spoiled brat” for walking out on a family therapy session when my dad began to cry and lie for his personal gain.

 

The people who were supposed to be advocating for me told me I was entitled when I talked about the agony of the effects of narcissism. 

 

Does that sound familiar?

 

Emotional abuse looks like…

Blame Shifting

 

Someone who blame shifts is shifting accountability with a desire to stay in control. 

 

They are not looking to solve a problem or bring fairness. They are looking for someone else to carry the weight of their guilt. 

 

Someone in my life recently said, “You never talk to me. I feel so hurt. I don’t know why you don’t like me.” 

 

I am not responsible for this person’s feelings. This person knows that if they want to talk to me, they can call or text me anytime and I will always respond. They have created a false narrative that I don’t like them to avoid taking responsibility for not engaging in the relationship. 

 

Complaining that we don’t talk enough is not solving a problem. 

 

A healthy individual would not say, “You never talk to me.” Instead they would say, “I miss you! Let’s catch up soon.” 

 

Guilt and Obligation

 

Guilt and obligation leave no room for a no strings attached kind of love. The strings are always attached! 

 

Oftentimes, people who emotionally abuse are close to us and should be displaying unconditional love. 

 

Too often we hear things like, “After all I have done for you ____” or, “I did ___ for you and you can’t even _____.”

 

I would much rather spend my time with someone who says, “I am supporting you no matter what your family chooses to do! If it works out, I would love to see you, but if not, I will catch ya later!” 

Love Bombing

 

One of the most disgusting and debilitating tactics of emotional abuse is when the abuser goes above and beyond to make you feel cherished and loved. 

 

People who emotionally abuse are intelligent, and they know you. 

 

They will do things for you that seem kind in the moment, so that when they do or say something nasty, you feel guilty. 

 

It is a control tactic. 

 

True love is consistent. 

Selective Memory

 

Recently, I confronted someone in my life who has hurt me over and over. The pain cut so deep that I went directly to them and attempted to resolve the conflict.

 

Throughout the three hour conversation, they said “I don’t remember that happening.” 

 

That statement is completely exhausting because it is not possible to take accountability and apologize for something you do not remember. 

 

I was vulnerable, honest, and I sought clarity. 

 

The response I got was intended to make me feel bad about myself for even bringing up the topic. 

 

After I had that conversation, I felt like no progress was made. 

 

I was emotionally exhausted and I felt completely misunderstood. 

 

I so badly wanted that conversation to be productive and helpful, but it wasn’t. 

 

Emotional Abuse is Easy to Miss

 

Even for intelligent, self aware people, emotional abuse is hard to identify because it starts small and grows over time. 

 

Emotional abuse is confusing and hard to define. 

 

I have had my fair share of experience with emotional abuse in my life, and it is still difficult to discern if someone is being manipulative or not. 

 

One of the main things to look for is consistent signs. 

 

We all make mistakes and are unkind at times. 

 

Just because someone said something rude does not mean they are emotionally abusive. 

 

Awareness is your first step towards healing

 

You cannot heal and move through something that you do not understand. 

 

You are not crazy for not noticing the signs earlier. 

 

The purpose of becoming aware of emotional abuse is not to shift blame or feel like a victim. 

 

Instead, it is so that you can learn to respond in a healthy way.