Children experience the weight of narcissistic abuse. 

 

They are not too young or too ignorant to feel the pain. 

 

I have seen it and I have been there. 

 

They may not comprehend what is happening– most people don’t, but they will feel exhausted and confused just like any other adult. 

 

In the same way that children feel real pain from narcissism, they are capable of unraveling it. 

 

Yes, you read that right. Children can identify narcissism– if you give them the tools!

 

If you are reading this, and you have a child in your life who may be a victim to narcissistic abuse, it is likely they are within a relationship the child cannot escape from (like a parent or family member). 

 

Protecting your child from narcissistic abuse goes further than separating the child from the narcissistic person…

 

Because sometimes it is nearly impossible to separate them from the abuser. 

 

Protecting children is about education and honest conversations. 

 

Teach them what a healthy relationship looks like 

 

We are not born understanding the concept of healthy and unhealthy relationships. That has to be taught.

 

If you (the healthy human) is not teaching the child what security and safety in a relationship is, they will quickly assume that the negative narcissistic behavior is tolerable and normal. 

 

Sit down and have honest conversations.

 

You do not need to use big words like “gas lighting” or “parental alienation” to get your point across. 

 

You also do not need to point fingers at the emotional abuser. 

 

When you tell the child, “In healthy relationships, people apologize when they make a mistake” 

 

or “people who ask you to keep secrets are not safe people” 

 

the child will connect the dots. 

 

Show the child what a safe person is by being a safe person. 

 

The child will see the contrast between the narcissistic abuser and you. 

 

When I was a kid, I did. 

 

I saw my mom love me unconditionally while my dad tore me apart. 

 

I watched my mom go above and beyond to make my childhood beautiful by offering me every opportunity under the sun while my dad forced me to sit in one room every other weekend from Friday to Sunday. 

 

Kids see everything— even when we think they don’t. 

 

Ask questions

 

Without directly pointing towards the abuser, ask the child:

 

• Do you know anyone who gets really angry really quickly?
• Are there times when you feel like you can’t make someone happy, no matter what you do?
• Do you ever feel like you have to take care of a grown-up’s feelings?
• Do you ever get blamed for things that aren’t really your fault?
• What would make you feel safer or happier right now?

 

Do not ask all of these questions in one sitting. 

 

Come up with your own questions that may relate to what you know the child is experiencing. 

 

When you ask questions, you allow the child to consider what may be going wrong without placing the blame on another adult. 

 

This is especially important in family court. 

 

When I was a child being pulled through a custody battle, my counselors often asked me if my mom was “coaching” me to believe that my dad was a nasty person. 

 

I knew my dad was unsafe to be around because I saw the unhealthy behaviors and recognized it for myself. 

 

Help them put words to what they are experiencing

 

Give them options of what they may be feeling. 

 

If children have a small vocabulary of emotions, they will know something is wrong, but will be unable to put the pieces together. 

 

Even if the child was not able to engage in conversation with the first few prompts, it is a good idea to explain what these words mean and describe a situation that may make them feel this way. 

 

• Stuck 
• Misunderstood
• Guilty
• Pressured
• Confused
• Angry
• Belittled 
• Invalidated 

 

Protecting children from narcissistic abuse is not about blame shifting. 

 

It is about educating and guiding the child to thinking about what is going wrong.